Maybe if I write it down

So I was in San Francisco, briefly, but long enough to have breakfast with my former fiancee (from 2004). We didn't get married for a number of reasons, most importantly that she didn't want to have any more kids and at that point I was childless. She has a STRONG personality, but we never are bored with each other. Our conversations veer off into a thousand directions and never finish. She's athletic, smart, funny, well-read and sophisticated. She also likes music and has now taken up singing and guitar playing. We sat outside a hotel restaurant and sang songs together. But.... she's in Benicia, CA We only hugged, but I felt more affection and love than I have in eons.

My son spends 5 nights out of every 14 with me, plus every other Monday for 4 hours or so.  I take him to Occupational Therapy and medical appts outside my time too.  I probably spend more time with him than my daughters, as I am his Cub Scout Leader too.  This makes me feel guilty.  I know my girls resent the time I spend with Max.  I get home later when Max is not there-- they notice.  But their mother is home and can interact with them.  Since I do not live with Max's mother, his care is on me.  I want to be a better Dad, but I need to make money and keep employed. Max and I also have some activities like Golf that we do together.  But the girls and I have nothing.

For what seems like the billionth time last night I was up alone.  I live with my kids and the Mom of the girls, but by 930 the house is quiet.  The kids watch you tube before they go to bed.  Every now and then I watch with them, but I would love to watch an adult TV show or movie sometime.  But watching alone is boring.  I want someone to share the experience with me. Reading alone is OK -- I do a lot of it. Anyhow, about 1030, Carol got up to complain -- she's stressed out about everything. Can't put any of it away.  She is mad that I have factored some leisure time into the weekend - golf lessons for me and Max.  She just sees tasks, tasks, tasks. I need to accept that this is the way it is, but I long for better.