Maybe if I write it down

I own my home; with help from the bank.  I am the person on the title.  Carol is not.  I could try to force her to move.  But that would be difficult.  The other alternative is to move out. So what would happen if I moved out? Pros I wouldn't have to deal with Carol's negative attitude I could date with a lot less complications On the nights I did not have the kids, I could work late, do other things Cons It's my house.  Would I charge Carol rent?  I guess I could deed it to her, but she could not afford the mortage Maybe a creative divorce lawyer could figure this out. Let's say I gave here $2200 a month.  She could not pay the mortage with that.  Or come close.  If I just paid the mortgage and utilities how could I afford anything decent for myself.  I would miss the kids when I was not there.  And God only knows how much junk food they'd eat and tv they'd watch if I wasn't there! What about Max?  Coul...

My kids are healthy.   They seem to be doing well with school and activities.  One could be more ambitious, another could take up better eating habits, but they are thriving. I went on a great ski trip. Before that I went to Florida and saw my friend there.  I did not get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked. And I poured out my feelings a little too much.  But she is in my life. The day to day is still tough.  I love finding joy and I seek it.  But to share it would be lovely.   Sadly, the girls's mother does not seek or bring joy and I live with her.  I question this arrangement, but I guess I fear the alternative.  I accused her of living in fear earlier tonight in a text message to my friend in Florida.   But maybe its me who lives in fear.

Meantime, my friend in Tampa was out of the country til last night.  We exchanged a couple texts last night, then nothing.  And a few today.  I am hungry for more contact.... which is always my downfall.  My neediness. Where does this come from?  Will I ever be satisfied?

Last night, actually early this morning, I had a pretty vivid sex dream.  Well, not actually sex, but one involving close contact with a woman.  A real woman -- The Priest at my Episcopal Church.  She is an attractive woman about my age, just two years older.  But there is nothing sexual about her.  She is reserved and not at ALL flirtatious.  Which is why dreaming of her in a nightgown rubbing against me was more than a little shocking. But not unpleasant.  I will NOT be following up on this.

For the past several weeks I have been in daily contact with a woman who now lives in Tampa.  We've known each other for years and actually had a little fling or assignation a few years ago.  She's pretty amazing and fascinating in many ways.   I really like spending any kind of time with her.  She's "been there" for me in many ways. and I have tried to do the same for her.   She is calm, confident, cool and funny.  She has many interests and activities.  She would be a great life partner. But there are so many obstacles. She left for Cuba today and will not be back till Monday.  I miss her very much.

So I was in San Francisco, briefly, but long enough to have breakfast with my former fiancee (from 2004). We didn't get married for a number of reasons, most importantly that she didn't want to have any more kids and at that point I was childless. She has a STRONG personality, but we never are bored with each other. Our conversations veer off into a thousand directions and never finish. She's athletic, smart, funny, well-read and sophisticated. She also likes music and has now taken up singing and guitar playing. We sat outside a hotel restaurant and sang songs together. But.... she's in Benicia, CA We only hugged, but I felt more affection and love than I have in eons.

My son spends 5 nights out of every 14 with me, plus every other Monday for 4 hours or so.  I take him to Occupational Therapy and medical appts outside my time too.  I probably spend more time with him than my daughters, as I am his Cub Scout Leader too.  This makes me feel guilty.  I know my girls resent the time I spend with Max.  I get home later when Max is not there-- they notice.  But their mother is home and can interact with them.  Since I do not live with Max's mother, his care is on me.  I want to be a better Dad, but I need to make money and keep employed. Max and I also have some activities like Golf that we do together.  But the girls and I have nothing.

For what seems like the billionth time last night I was up alone.  I live with my kids and the Mom of the girls, but by 930 the house is quiet.  The kids watch you tube before they go to bed.  Every now and then I watch with them, but I would love to watch an adult TV show or movie sometime.  But watching alone is boring.  I want someone to share the experience with me. Reading alone is OK -- I do a lot of it. Anyhow, about 1030, Carol got up to complain -- she's stressed out about everything. Can't put any of it away.  She is mad that I have factored some leisure time into the weekend - golf lessons for me and Max.  She just sees tasks, tasks, tasks. I need to accept that this is the way it is, but I long for better.

The mother of my daughters scheduled a medical appointment for our oldest girl right on top of a pre-existing appointment that I had for my son on the same day.  So now I am trying to reschedule his appointment, which will require some cooperation from her.  She is is NOT happy about this and blames the boy's mother for being selfish and inattentive. Which is true. But we aren't going to change that. It's my fault that I have two baby mamas... but I am already feeling stressed and unappreciated.   This doesn't help.

Anxiety.  My daughter is anxious and has a short fuse.  Her mother is worried.  But I think my daughter gets it from her.  The Mom thinks her problem stems from dyslexia.   But it may be more. Or maybe its just adolescence.

I really do not like watching television shows or movies alone. I find it depressing.  I want someone to talk to, to interact with.  I can read by myself.. and if I am LUCKY, find someone to discuss it with later. Mostly I just work. That gets old.

Which email do I deal with first?   The last one I received, or the oldest?  The one from opposing counsel making a demand or the one from a client asking a question? How about the ones from colleagues asking questions that will not help me make money? Prioritization/executive function; and their nasty cousin, procrastination.  Daydreaming is supposed to be good for creativity, but I do need to get it under control.

Yesterday I posted a link to an article from Axios about the Trump-Putin summit on Facebook.  I got the predicted response; my MAGA friends defended the President and others went after them hard.  It did not get personal, but to my knowledge no opinions were changed.  Maybe some of the people who were just following along.  I did see comments from a couple people who usually do not comment on my page and I got a private text message from another friend -- all in support of my position.  So that was nice.  I usually avoid politics on Facebook as I doubt posting opinions convinces anyone.  But if my posts are rare, and thoughtful, I might get someone's attention. Either way, I remain dismayed by the political divide in this country.  I wish I had brilliant ideas. Will it take a WWII-like event to draw us together?  I've thought that for a while, but with Trump as our President, that could actually tear us apart. I want to do more. ...

For many years I read no fiction, other than the books I had been assigned in College English courses, "Great Books" only.   I saw novels as light and unimportant.  A few that influenced the world might be OK, but I dismissed the genre for the most part Sometime along the line I started reading fiction for escape and my opinion changed. I got this dismissive attitude from my Dad, who passed on a manner of strong opinions and disregard for the opinions of others.  Over the years I have been told that I am offputting and arrogant with my strong opinions.  I never felt that way!  I often feel unsure and conflicted.  I want to project confidence, not arrogance. Anyhow, I still read lots of history and biographies. But I can't get excited about any of the books stacked up beside my bed.   One of the last "big" history book I read was the last volume of William Manchester's bio of Winston Churchill.  It was kind of depressing to see the ...

How to motivate them?  I know they're listening, watching, observing, even when they seem to be ignoring me or other adults.  I know this from my own experience.  I know this because they tell me later that they heard or saw me do something. But why do some messages motivate while others shame?  Or create anger? I worry about my oldest daughter, now 11. She's overweight and eats almost exclusively junk.  Her rail thin, eat like a bird, smoker, mother does not seem concerned.  My girl does not get enough exercise.  I think she knows she's overweight, I think she's concerned.  But she's not motivated. I am scared.  I talk about healthy choices. I would like to get her out on a bike... anything...

Anger.  It's a normal human emotion, often in response to stress.  Some people use it to motivate themselves and/or others.  Others use anger to burn off steam.  I get angry, just like anyone.  Driving to work I often get angry at other drivers-- and usually I am being unreasonable, quite frankly.  I don't flip anyone off or yell out the window, I just grouse to myself.   I am angry about the current political situation in this country.   But I am also the butt of anger.  The mother of two of my kids, who lives with me, also gets angry.  Often. Not necessarily with me, but she takes it out of me. Her job is demanding, she is under a lot of pressure.  So she gets mad.  At me, at our daughters.  I am worried that they are learning that anger is OK.   Anger is her default emotion.

I've kept journals in the past when struggling.  I'm not exactly struggling now, but my brain is buzzing.  I am having lots of dreams and not sleeping well.  Partly this is just a process of aging and partly I have had parts of my past brought back into focus, so there's lots to contemplate. One of my favorite expressions is "You can't fix the past" and its companion "Give up all hope of a perfect past."  I like them because I have to remind myself of that all the time -- I cannot go back, much as I would like to go back to Ohio and prevent my Dad from losing his job and stop my family from moving away, or go back to 4th Grade and pull my 9 year old self aside and help me avoid getting picked on by other kids, or give my younger self advice on girls, if not careers and investments! So maybe if I write it down...